Were you ever sure you’d done something and then found out you hadn’t?

I’ve mentioned before that I haven’t been doing much blogging because I’m working on a long essay on Buddhist philosophy. Twice in the last week I’ve started to write about themes that I was sure I’d blogged about before.  Yet I couldn’t find much in previous blog posts.  It was puzzling because I was absolutely positive that I’d written at length about them.

It could be age.  I have to watch myself these days to make sure that I’ve really paid bills and not just think that I did.  But something more must be going on.  Both themes carry strong emotions.  One concerns a passage in Buddhist scripture that gave me a lot of comfort during Laura’s illness.  I did mention that passage in one post and promised to write more about why it meant so much to me.  I never did.  The other theme involved questions about grieving that started during Laura’s last course of chemo at NCI.  About year after she died I wrote about an insight I’d finally had into these questions, but I never posted it.

This essay now combines technical discussions in philology and philosophy with personal history.  For instance I got into the two themes with such personal resonance while writing about the Buddhist ideas that we live in a constantly changing world and that one of the doors to release from suffering has no signs.  The intersection between the audiences for those two disparate subjects (personal and technical) may not be very large.  In any case, I’m learning as I’m writing.

By the way, I’ve also realized again that it’s not the recollection of painful moments in Laura’s last two years that upset me.  It’s the memory of happy moments.

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